Bad Parent?

First, just a couple of events. Wednesday night at 6:30 I will be doing readings and signings at the Spingville, UT library with two great authors and really funny people: Jessica Day George and Janette Rallison. Drop by if you are in the area.



Also, the Strymakers Writers Conference is this Friday and Saturday. Tons of awesome authors will be there. Can't wait to see everyone who is coming. Now to the tough stuff.



Does writing automatically make you a bad parent?


As a writer, you tend to hang around with a lot of other writers. Go figure, huh? But one of the interesting things about this is the gender ratio. Not sure what I mean? Imagine taking Home Ec. in high school as a guy. If you did, you did it for one reason. Because the rest of the students were girls. Well, okay, maybe you didn’t want to get beat up by the things in wood shop. Anyway, my point is that there seem to be many more female writers than male writers. And nearly every female writer I know beats herself up about not being a good enough mom. “I feed my kids cold cereal.” “I haven’t vacuumed my house since every movie starred the brat pack.” “I once sent my son to school with nothing but a slice of cheese and a Twinkie for lunch.”

First let me just say that your kids aren’t going to remember what they had for lunch at school. Okay, maybe they will but you can just tell them that they are remembering an episode from Fairly Odd Parents. Second, your male counterparts would be 1000 worse as moms. We would feed our kids Coco Puffs with no milk because it went bad. (And we would have taken the prize out first.) We wouldn’t ever have vacuumed because we wouldn’t have thought to buy a vacuum. (That’s what shag carpet is for.) And while we would probably send our kids to school with cheese and a Twinkie, we would be proud of actually remembering to pack a lunch.

So I guess it’s time for me to confess too. I am a bad parent. No really, a bad, bad parent. I paid my nineteen year-old five bucks last week to drive out and buy fried rice at the local Chinese food place wearing a Fruit Loop box on his head. I teach them the wrong words to Church hymns. “All creatures of our God and King. Stick out your tongues and try to sing. Hallelujah. Hallelujah. Oh praise Him.” The last part is sung with your tongue out of course.

When my kids scream for help because they got their head stuck in the banister or have the net basketball game collapse on them, my first thought is, “Where is the camera?” Of course none of them was permanently injured, and I got lots of great pictures.
I also lie to my kids—a lot! All of my children know that in the (fairly likely) event of a rollercoaster flying off the tracks, your only hope is to jump out and aim for the hot dog stand. I get them to bite unsweetened chocolate bars. I told my son that when he turns twelve he will get a secret decoder ring and learn a secret handshake that will get him free video games at Block Buster. I once told a ghost story at my daughters sleepover that was so scary, the guest of honor had to go home.

It’s my fault that in any large gathering (be it church or a movie) my kids start whispering, “See if you can find the woman who used a rolling pin to curl her hair.” Or, “Where’s the boy who wanted to be Pinocchio when he grows up?” Getting a laugh is the highest compliment in our house. Which is probably why my son nearly needed stitches after falling from a friend’s desk while pulling his shirt over his knees to look like a midget, and recently walked around his room with his lunchbox zipped over his head. Also, my kids have never been to the Grand Canyon, Yellowstone, or Mt Rushmore, but they have been to Disney Parks more than a dozen times.

So yeah. Bad parent. But somehow when I come do a presentation at their school, or get them ARCs from their favorite authors, or tell really cool bedtime stories (that are still kind of scary) they forgive me. No next time you worry about writing making you a bad parent, remember that your kids probably won’t remember what lunch you sent them to school with. And if they dodo, just just blame it on false memory syndrome. Kids are really gullible that way.

Are You Smarter Than a Turtle?

First, let me say thanks to all the fun comments from my April Fools post. Sorry to everyone who thought it was a real post. As my kids said, “They don’t know Dad very well do they?” I’m kind of known around the house for my teasing—which sets me up for some pretty good April Fools pranks from my kids and wife too.

Second, if you are in the West Jordon area, drop by the Jordan Landing Barnes and Noble tomorrow night, where James Dashner—author of 13th Reality and the forthcoming Maze Runner— and I will be signing books and giving away posters. Should be a lot of fun, even if my series is better than his!

Finally, thanks to everyone who came to the Pleasant Grove Library signing. It was a lot of fun. And thanks to Julie Bellon, I broke my one cardinal signing rule (never sign body parts) and signed her daughter’s arm with permanent marker. (Hey I told her I would if her mom said okay. How could I go back on that?)

Last fall I adopted a turtle. A red-eared slider to be precise. Up until I got the turtle, all I knew about them came from cartoons. Which means that they are slow, dull witted, and shy. They tend to say things like, “Duh . . . which way did that rabbit go?” or “Saw the whole thing, dude. First you were all like "whoa", and we were like "whoa", and you were like "whoa..." Understanding that cartoons might not be the final word in pet raising, I actually got a book on the subject. The book was somewhat more informative. It taught me things like: turtles shed, they are omnivores, and they need both a heat lamp and some other lamp that costs like $10 per bulb. (I think it might be some kind of projector bulb for the turtle’s home theater.)

What the book didn’t say is that turtles have attitude, can climb chicken wire fences, do an incredible “I want food” dance, and have a mean temper. You think I’m kidding about this? I am not. We went out and got a fifty gallon tank, heater, the aforementioned two lamps, a kind of turtle chase lounge, and a filter. Within 24 hours the turtle decided he hates the filter. Remember the scene in Finding Nemo where Nemo swims into the filter of his aquarium to block it with a rock? Well that fish has nothing on Yoshi the turtle. Suction cups don’t stop him. Rocks don’t stop him. Chicken wire fences don’t stop him. The little dude is relentless. And he doesn’t just pull the filter off the aquarium wall. He dismantles it and chews on the pieces.

Yesterday, I finally went to war. We have a chicken wire fence bent into an L shape that is supposed to protect the filter in the corner of the tank. We have rocks pushed up against it. Rocks that weigh more than Yoshi. But he pushes them aside, yanks the fence down, or squeezes past it. I think I might finally have beat him. I used a pair of wire snips to cut about two inches off the bottom of the fence and bent it out as a base. I piled the rocks on the bottom of the base, and then added the ultimate weapon. Duct tape along the top of the fence above the water line.

Even with all that, the one turtle wrecking team hasn’t given up. He nearly climbed completely over the fence. Have you ever seen a turtle clinging to the side of a chicken wire fence with all four feet? It’s crazy. And you should see him studying the duct tape with intense scrutiny—like he’s wondering if a little plastic explosive might do the trick.

So, what, you might ask, does this have to do with me? I don’t have to worry about chicken wire or duct tape. And I would pay for a device that constantly kept my house clean. Fair enough, but my question is to you have the determination to attack a problem until you find a solution? I speak in particular of the dreaded writers block. That moment nearly every writer hits when the flowing fountain of story drops to a dribble and eventually turns off. What do you do when writers block hits? Do you give up? Or do you fight? And if you do fight, how long do you keep fighting?

Here are ten ideas for overcoming writers block.

1) Decide what is actually being blocked. Have you lost your desire to write completely or are you just stuck on your current work? If you have lost your love of writing, maybe you are just not writing what you love. Don’t let writing turn into a job. Stop thinking about what you “have” to write and start thinking about what you’d really love to write, then do it.

2) If you are stuck in your current work, are you stopped cold? Or are you just having trouble with the current scene? If you are stopped cold, there is a very good chance you have a problem with your story. Step back from the trees and look at the forest. Stop trying to force a story that isn’t working and figure out what needs fixing before you put down another word. Remember this is not about rewriting your entire manuscript; it’s about finding the problem and fixing it.

3) If you are stuck on a scene, skip it. Literally, just put in a note that says, “insert something interesting here,” and skip to the next part that you are comfortable with.

4) Spend lots of time lying under a heat lamp, then get back to work. (This is from Yoshi.) Take a break. I offer this solution with a great deal of caution. Side effects can include never finishing your book. But sometimes a break is what you need. Life has to come before writing. If you are dealing with so much stress in your life that you can no longer write, stop writing, fix the stress and return to writing.

5) Don’t try to edit and write at the same time. Some people are actually very good at writing and editing as they go. If that is you, keep doing what works. But for many people, editing as you go is a trap that sucks you in and kills your story’s momentum. The more you reread your story, the more editing it needs. And the more your edit, the more you start to feel that the whole thing stinks. It’s like saying the same word over and over until it makes no sense. Just remember that most authors hate their work at one point or another. You can always come back and fix things later, but only if you push through to the end.

6) On the other hand, sometimes a break is exactly the wrong thing to do. Writing can be a habit. Write every day and your mind gets used to writing. It’s addictive. But stop for too long, and you can break the habit. If the current story is stuck in neutral, write something else. Another book, a short story, a journal. Just don’t forget that the goal is to get back to your current work.

7) One of the biggest problems for beginning writers is starting a story when all they really have is a beginning. Do you know how the story is going to end? If not, you just diagnosed your problem. Stop writing and go back to plotting you don’t need to know all the story. But at least know where it will end.

8) Write out of order. Again this doesn’t work for all writers. But if you are struggling with a current scene, try writing scenes you are more excited about. You can always cut and paste later.

9) Get feedback. I know it’s hard to show a work in progress to someone else. But if the train isn’t moving, you may need a different perspective to see if it has run completely off the tracks.

10) Cut. Sometimes the problem is that you are in love with a scene that doesn’t work. You are so enamored with your beautifully written scene that you don’t realize it doesn’t fit the story. If cutting is too painful, think of it as storing that scene. Save it in another file that you can always bring back later in this story or something else.

Remember that all of these are only suggestions. If one doesn’t work, try another. What works for you may not work for someone else. But the key is to keep trying things until something succeeds. Take Yoshi’s advice. If butting your head against the rocks isn’t getting you closer to your goal, try pushing past the fence, or even climbing over it. But don’t give up. You and your story deserve better than that!

Oh, and before I forget, I big shout out to my friends at Oakcrest, Westland, and Riverton Elementary schools. You guys rock!! See you at B&N!

A Slight Change in Plans

I don’t know exactly how to tell you all this. So let me just say this has been an odd week, not even counting the fact that the engine in our van blew up on the way to Idaho school visits. Monday morning, I was back home pushing hard to get Land Keep done by the week of April 20th when I get a call from my publisher.

It was Lisa Mangum. “Scott, how’s the story coming so far?”

“Great!” I told her. “This is definitely going to be the best book I’ve ever written. In fact, I’m actually a little nervous about how I’m going to top it in book three.”

Long pause. “Well . . . that’s good. But we’ve had a slight change in plans. Can you come down to the office to meet with Chris and me?”

Now, I love meeting with my publisher. They always have cool news, like, “Can you change the first chapter completely?” or “Remember how we had all those marketing dollars we were going to spend on your book in January?” So I must admit, I came with a little trepidation. I mean I’m over halfway on this baby and driving toward the finish. Maybe they have some cool artwork to show me. Except that they don’t know enough of the story yet to do artwork. Maybe it’s news about paperback rights or a movie sale? Hey, an author can dream right?

So I reach Salt Lake, find a parking spot and head in. My first clue that something is wrong is that Chris comes out of the elevator holding all four twilight books. Weird, but okay. Maybe he’s suddenly discovered Stephenie Meyer. Upstairs in the conference room though, are about a dozen romances—including Lisa’s forthcoming romantic fantasy, The Hourglass Door. Not sure what to make of this, but Chris gets right to the point.

“Scott, the committee thinks there isn’t enough kissing in your books.”

“What?” This may be the most bizarre thing I’ve heard since my daughter (now twenty) told me seventeen years ago that she had a pearl stuck up her nose. I’m sure I must have heard wrong. “Not enough what?”

“Kissing, smooching, passion,” Chris says pointing to the stack of Twilight books. “There’s not enough romance in your stories. Readers want touching, hugging, longing stares, and meaningful touches on the jaw.”

I’m not quite sure how to respond. “You do remember I write middle grade/YA fantasy right? My main characters are thirteen. They’re still not completely sure the opposite sex doesn’t have cooties.”

Lisa jumps in. “Oh, we’re not talking about Marcus and Kyja here. I mean their little kiss at the end of Water Keep was cute and all. But we’re thinking more about the elementals. What does a Land Elemental actually look like?”

Now I’m really confused. “Well technically there is no such thing as a land elemental.” Lisa and Chris give me an odd look. “You’ll get it once you read the story.”

“Well that doesn’t matter,” Chris says, pulling out some large pieces of poster board. “I’m sure you can change them. We had Brandon Dorman do a couple of sketches. These are just a few ideas of what the land elementals might look like. What do you think?”

I won’t go into detail about what land elementals look like. Or even why there is no such thing as a land elemental. That would give away too much of the story. Let me just say that the water elementals are the only elementals that look at all human. So imagine my surprise when Chris and Lisa show me a bunch of sketches of beautiful women. I start looking around for a camera or something. Finally, I shake my head. “You want the land elementals to look like Heidi Klum?”

“Not exactly like her,” Lisa says. “I mean they could have red hair, or even pink hair. And they don’t have to be super models exactly. See this one is wearing leaves. And this one has a rock necklace. They’re very land-like, don’t you think?”

When I am still confused, Chris takes over. “Here’s what we’re thinking. The economy’s slow right. So book sales are down. But women and teenage girls are still buying romance books like crazy. Look on Amazon. Twilight is like the top hundred products all by itself. Twilight hardback. Twilight paperback. Twilight audio book. Twilight picture book. Twilight pop-up. Twilight, the movie. Twilight soundtracks.”

“Right. I get it. Twilight is big.”

“Exactly,” Chris nods as though I’ve finally come to my senses. “That’s why we think you need to romanticize Far World. Think about it. What’s on the cover of Water Keep? A studly guy in a half open robe. You’ve already fought half the battle. Now you just need to put a hot-looking land elemental on the cover of book two and teenage girls will be buying up your series like mad.”

I run my fingers through my hair, still waiting for the punch line. “You are kidding right?”

“Not at all. We’ve already talked to our other authors about doing the same thing. James’ next book will introduce the 14th reality. A kind of intergalactic singles hangout. Brandon is going to have Kendra fall in love with a mummy who can’t kiss her without unraveling. And let’s just say the final book Obert Skye is going to introduce a Mrs. Thumps.”

Well as you can imagine, I argued quite a bit. But they are the publisher. And they made some good points, like, “We pay your royalties.”

So, beginning with book two, Farworld is now going to be a romantic fantasy. I’ve been practicing lines like. “Marcus gazed longingly into her eyes. Cascade’s palm lingered on the wood nymph’s cheek. Kyja sighed deeply, knowing her life would never be complete without a man who adored and stalked her.” It’s weird but, hey it’s a living.

Remember, book two comes out in September. Until then, enjoy April first.